Tuesday, November 2, 2010

بابا زايد ؟

Time has passed faster than I imagined .. or thought ..

I remember everything vividly as if it were only last year

today I realized it would be 6 years since he passed away

and for a moment it all came back to me and I lost any desire for anything and everything I ever wanted

it was my last year .. last semester .. so close to earning my MBA ..

and I got the miserable message on my cell phone ..

I looked around me .. the professor was still talking ..

people from all nationalities in my class .. all listening ..

there was only me .. another local girl .. and a guy ..

I wanted someone to tell me that was a stupid joke ..

but there was another message from my other sister ..

it can't be

someone please tell me

the guy left the class ..

I left the class too .. and the girl followed

everyone was normal outside the class ..

no one knew yet

I tried to call my sister

she answered but said nothing .. she just cried

I cried too

I wept

I was looking around me ..

why is everything so quiet ?

someone please tell me its not true

another girl began to weep in the ladies room

I fell on the floor and was in tears

people were asking what had happened and I couldn't talk

I stayed where I am not knowing what was going on around me but cried like a child

my driver was outside

I told him to head back home

there were at least 4 more hours to go

but the driver didn't say anything .. I think he also knew

I couldn't stop crying in the car .. and was reading the message over and over again ..

only half an hour .. and I was bombarded by phone calls and messages from overseas friends

no .. I can't believe it yet ..

my father called .. only then I answered

I cried like crazy .. and he kept quiet .. then was sobbing .. then he said .. be strong ..

I didn't stop .. my father repeated .. be strong .. and pray for him

and I cried again coz now I was sure he was gone ..

my heart ached and I didn't stop

my father repeated for the last time .. be strong .. he's our father and we can only pray for him now

cry .. and pray for him .. and pray to God that we all meet with him in heaven

and he hanged up the phone

I reached home not wanting to talk to anybody

my uncles were discussing stuff that I didn't care about

I didn't know what was going on around me ..

but it was Ramadhan

and if he did pass away

I can do nothing but pray for him

but I didn't want him to die

I thought he won't die ..

at least while I was still alive

I still had many things to achieve while he was still alive

I wanted to see him

I wanted to meet him

I wanted to tell him you can now be proud of us

of ME ..

I didn't get my turn to tell him that

I didn't

what am i going to do

why should I do anything

why should I do anything anymore

he left

and he won't be here anymore

I didn't have the heart for Eid

and then the national day was reminding us again that it has happened

and he's no longer here with us

I won't be pinning his picture to my scarf to celebrate national day

I can't look at the flag without crying

I can't look around me without crying again

I took leave from work

dropped from all my courses

lost any interest in anything I was aiming for

after a month my father was talking about Haj and his friends

it just hit me then

what if I die too

I want to be able to do one last thing

I want to go to Haj

nothing will help me now

I need to go to Haj

my best friend was the same

we both decided to go to Haj

at that time things started to brighten

and I had comfort at last

at the masjid

at the very top

I was looking at Kaaba and the other 4 million who were there to perform Haj

I remembered him right there

our father

Zayed

I thought of all those people who loved him

there were 4 million back then

the day of Eid

4 million or more

all praying to God

there were millions praying for Zayed too

and I cried there too .. only I was happy

and prayed to God that we all be gathered in heaven on the day of judgment

Zayed .. you left .. but you are still in our hearts

you live through your sons and daughters who will continue to do your will

I was very happy that I decided to go to Haj

and came back

and completed my courses in the next 6 months

and on my graduation day

my father was there

my sisters were there

only few local graduates were there

and the national anthem was played

we chanted the national anthem like school children

very loud

everyone was staring at us

but the very few ones didn't care and kept going on

I felt proud

he's there in our hearts

he still is

and forever will be

and for every achievement that makes me happy

I still wish he was still here

what would he have said if he saw what I did

and can't help but drift away and imagine his smile

baba Zayed

we loved you as a father

and now again

I'm determined to be the best

coz baba Zayed

I am your daughter

and always wanted you to be proud of me

and I know had you been still with us

you will be proud of me

and i won't settle for anything less

but to make you proud of me

Baba Zayed

you are in our hearts

الله يرحمك يا زايد

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