& peace be upon you
I wrote this on 2nd Nov. 2010
and I'm posting it here today
because it all came back to me
I can't stop it ..
whenever I'm about to do something worthy
it hits me .. again ..
I want to achieve a goal
I dreamt about it .. planned it .. worked hard for it
and I'm very close now to achieve it
and it hit me again
so I cried .. and still crying ..
I wish you were here
by Amna Al Fardh on Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 1:07am
Time has passed faster than I imagined .. or thought ..
I remember everything vividly as if it were only last year
today I realized it would be 6 years since he passed away
and for a moment it all came back to me and I lost any desire for anything and everything I ever wanted
it was my last year .. last semester .. so close to earning my MBA ..
and I got the miserable message on my cell phone ..
I looked around me .. the professor was still talking ..
people from all nationalities in my class .. all listening ..
there was only me .. another local girl .. and a guy ..
I wanted someone to tell me that was a stupid joke ..
but there was another message from my other sister ..
it can't be
someone please tell me
the guy left the class ..
I left the class too .. and the girl followed
everyone was normal outside the class ..
no one knew yet
I tried to call my sister
she answered but said nothing .. she just cried
I cried too
I was looking around me ..
why is everything so quiet ?
someone please tell me its not true
another girl began to weep in the ladies room
I fell on the floor and was in tears
people were asking what had happened and I couldn't talk
I stayed where I am not knowing what was going on around me but cried like a child
my driver was outside
I told him to head back home
there were at least 4 more hours to go
but the driver didn't say anything .. I think he also knew
I couldn't stop crying in the car .. and was reading the message over and over again ..
only half an hour .. and I was bombarded by phone calls and messages from overseas friends
no .. I can't believe it yet ..
my father called .. only then I answered
I cried like crazy .. and he kept quiet .. then was sobbing .. then he said .. be strong ..
I didn't stop .. my father repeated .. be strong .. and pray for him
and I cried again coz now I was sure he was gone ..
my heart ached and I didn't stop
my father repeated for the last time .. be strong .. he's our father and we can only pray for him now
cry .. and pray for him .. and pray to God that we all meet with him in heaven
and he hanged up the phone
I reached home not wanting to talk to anybody
my uncles were discussing stuff that I didn't care about
I didn't know what was going on around me ..
but it was Ramadhan
and if he did pass away
I can do nothing but pray for him
but I didn't want him to die
I thought he won't die ..
at least while I was still alive
I still had many things to achieve while he was still alive
I wanted to see him
I wanted to meet him
I wanted to tell him you can now be proud of us
of ME ..
I didn't get my turn to tell him that
what am i going to do
why should I do anything
why should I do anything anymore
and he won't be here anymore
I didn't have the heart for Eid
and then the national day was reminding us again that it has happened
and he's no longer here with us
I won't be pinning his picture to my scarf to celebrate national day
I can't look at the flag without crying
I can't look around me without crying again
I took leave from work
dropped from all my courses
lost any interest in anything I was aiming for
after a month my father was talking about Haj and his friends
it just hit me then
what if I die too
I want to be able to do one last thing
I want to go to Haj
nothing will help me now
I need to go to Haj
my best friend was the same
we both decided to go to Haj
at that time things started to brighten
and I had comfort at last
at the masjid
at the very top
I was looking at Kaaba and the other 4 million who were there to perform Haj
I remembered him right there
I thought of all those people who loved him
there were 4 million back then
the day of Eid
4 million or more
all praying to God
there were millions praying for Zayed too
and I cried there too .. only I was happy
and prayed to God that we all be gathered in heaven on the day of judgment
Zayed .. you left .. but you are still in our hearts
you live through your sons and daughters who will continue to do your will
I was very happy that I decided to go to Haj
and came back
and completed my courses in the next 6 months
and on my graduation day
my father was there
my sisters were there
only few local graduates were there
and the national anthem was played
we chanted the national anthem like school children
everyone was staring at us
but the very few ones didn't care and kept going on
I felt proud
he's there in our hearts
he still is
and forever will be
and for every achievement that makes me happy
I still wish he was still here
what would he have said if he saw what I did
and can't help but drift away and imagine his smile
we loved you as a father
and now again
I'm determined to be the best
coz baba Zayed
I am your daughter
and always wanted you to be proud of me
and I know had you been still with us
you will be proud of me
and i won't settle for anything less
but to make you proud of me
you are in our hearts
الله يرحمك يا زايد