Baba Zayed

السّلام عليكم 

& peace be upon you 

I wrote this on 2nd Nov. 2010

and I'm posting it here today

because it all came back to me 

I can't stop it .. 

whenever I'm about to do something worthy 

it hits me .. again .. 

I want to achieve a goal 

I dreamt about it .. planned it .. worked hard for it 

and I'm very close now to achieve it 

and it hit me again 

so I cried .. and still crying .. 

I wish you were here 

by Amna Al Fardh on Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 1:07am

Time has passed faster than I imagined .. or thought .. 

I remember everything vividly as if it were only last year 

today I realized it would be 6 years since he passed away 

and for a moment it all came back to me and I lost any desire for anything and everything I ever wanted 

it was my last year .. last semester .. so close to earning my MBA .. 

and I got the miserable message on my cell phone .. 

I looked around me .. the professor was still talking .. 

people from all nationalities in my class .. all listening .. 

there was only me .. another local girl .. and a guy .. 

I wanted someone to tell me that was a stupid joke .. 

but there was another message from my other sister .. 

it can't be 

someone please tell me 

the guy left the class .. 

I left the class too .. and the girl followed 

everyone was normal outside the class .. 

no one knew yet 

I tried to call my sister 

she answered but said nothing .. she just cried 

I cried too 

I wept 

I was looking around me .. 

why is everything so quiet ?

someone please tell me its not true 

another girl began to weep in the ladies room 

I fell on the floor and was in tears 

people were asking what had happened and I couldn't talk 

I stayed where I am not knowing what was going on around me but cried like a child 

my driver was outside 

I told him to head back home 

there were at least 4 more hours to go 

but the driver didn't say anything .. I think he also knew 

I couldn't stop crying in the car .. and was reading the message over and over again .. 

only half an hour .. and I was bombarded by phone calls and messages from overseas friends 

no .. I can't believe it yet .. 

my father called .. only then I answered 

I cried like crazy .. and he kept quiet .. then was sobbing .. then he said .. be strong .. 

I didn't stop .. my father repeated .. be strong .. and pray for him 

and I cried again coz now I was sure he was gone .. 

my heart ached and I didn't stop 

my father repeated for the last time .. be strong .. he's our father and we can only pray for him now 

cry .. and pray for him .. and pray to God that we all meet with him in heaven 

and he hanged up the phone 

I reached home not wanting to talk to anybody 

my uncles were discussing stuff that I didn't care about 

I didn't know what was going on around me .. 

but it was Ramadhan 

and if he did pass away 

I can do nothing but pray for him 

but I didn't want him to die 

I thought he won't die .. 

at least while I was still alive 

I still had many things to achieve while he was still alive 

I wanted to see him 

I wanted to meet him 

I wanted to tell him you can now be proud of us 

of ME .. 

I didn't get my turn to tell him that 

I didn't 

what am i going to do 

why should I do anything 

why should I do anything anymore 

he left 

and he won't be here anymore 

I didn't have the heart for Eid 

and then the national day was reminding us again that it has happened 

and he's no longer here with us 

I won't be pinning his picture to my scarf to celebrate national day 

I can't look at the flag without crying 

I can't look around me without crying again 

I took leave from work 

dropped from all my courses 

lost any interest in anything I was aiming for 

after a month my father was talking about Haj and his friends 

it just hit me then 

what if I die too 

I want to be able to do one last thing 

I want to go to Haj 

nothing will help me now 

I need to go to Haj 

my best friend was the same 

we both decided to go to Haj 

at that time things started to brighten 

and I had comfort at last 

at the masjid 

at the very top 

I was looking at Kaaba and the other 4 million who were there to perform Haj 

I remembered him right there 

our father 

Zayed 

I thought of all those people who loved him 

there were 4 million back then 

the day of Eid 

4 million or more 

all praying to God 

there were millions praying for Zayed too 

and I cried there too .. only I was happy 

and prayed to God that we all be gathered in heaven on the day of judgment 

Zayed .. you left .. but you are still in our hearts 

you live through your sons and daughters who will continue to do your will 

I was very happy that I decided to go to Haj 

and came back 

and completed my courses in the next 6 months 

and on my graduation day 

my father was there 

my sisters were there 

only few local graduates were there 

and the national anthem was played 

we chanted the national anthem like school children 

very loud 

everyone was staring at us 

but the very few ones didn't care and kept going on 

I felt proud 

he's there in our hearts 

he still is 

and forever will be 

and for every achievement that makes me happy 

I still wish he was still here 

what would he have said if he saw what I did 

and can't help but drift away and imagine his smile 

baba Zayed 

we loved you as a father 

and now again 

I'm determined to be the best 

coz baba Zayed 

I am your daughter 

and always wanted you to be proud of me 

and I know had you been still with us 

you will be proud of me 

and i won't settle for anything less 

but to make you proud of me 

Baba Zayed 

you are in our hearts 

الله يرحمك يا زايد