Monday, November 14, 2011

Baba Zayed

السّلام عليكم 
& peace be upon you 

I wrote this on 2nd Nov. 2010
and I'm posting it here today
because it all came back to me 

I can't stop it .. 
whenever I'm about to do something worthy 
it hits me .. again .. 
I want to achieve a goal 
I dreamt about it .. planned it .. worked hard for it 
and I'm very close now to achieve it 
and it hit me again 
so I cried .. and still crying .. 
I wish you were here 

by Amna Al Fardh on Tuesday, November 2, 2010 at 1:07am

Time has passed faster than I imagined .. or thought .. 
I remember everything vividly as if it were only last year 
today I realized it would be 6 years since he passed away 
and for a moment it all came back to me and I lost any desire for anything and everything I ever wanted 
it was my last year .. last semester .. so close to earning my MBA .. 
and I got the miserable message on my cell phone .. 
I looked around me .. the professor was still talking .. 
people from all nationalities in my class .. all listening .. 
there was only me .. another local girl .. and a guy .. 
I wanted someone to tell me that was a stupid joke .. 
but there was another message from my other sister .. 
it can't be 
someone please tell me 
the guy left the class .. 
I left the class too .. and the girl followed 
everyone was normal outside the class .. 
no one knew yet 
I tried to call my sister 
she answered but said nothing .. she just cried 
I cried too 
I wept 
I was looking around me .. 
why is everything so quiet ?
someone please tell me its not true 
another girl began to weep in the ladies room 
I fell on the floor and was in tears 
people were asking what had happened and I couldn't talk 
I stayed where I am not knowing what was going on around me but cried like a child 
my driver was outside 
I told him to head back home 
there were at least 4 more hours to go 
but the driver didn't say anything .. I think he also knew 
I couldn't stop crying in the car .. and was reading the message over and over again .. 
only half an hour .. and I was bombarded by phone calls and messages from overseas friends 
no .. I can't believe it yet .. 
my father called .. only then I answered 
I cried like crazy .. and he kept quiet .. then was sobbing .. then he said .. be strong .. 
I didn't stop .. my father repeated .. be strong .. and pray for him 
and I cried again coz now I was sure he was gone .. 
my heart ached and I didn't stop 
my father repeated for the last time .. be strong .. he's our father and we can only pray for him now 
cry .. and pray for him .. and pray to God that we all meet with him in heaven 
and he hanged up the phone 
I reached home not wanting to talk to anybody 
my uncles were discussing stuff that I didn't care about 
I didn't know what was going on around me .. 
but it was Ramadhan 
and if he did pass away 
I can do nothing but pray for him 
but I didn't want him to die 
I thought he won't die .. 
at least while I was still alive 
I still had many things to achieve while he was still alive 
I wanted to see him 
I wanted to meet him 
I wanted to tell him you can now be proud of us 
of ME .. 
I didn't get my turn to tell him that 
I didn't 
what am i going to do 
why should I do anything 
why should I do anything anymore 
he left 
and he won't be here anymore 
I didn't have the heart for Eid 
and then the national day was reminding us again that it has happened 
and he's no longer here with us 
I won't be pinning his picture to my scarf to celebrate national day 
I can't look at the flag without crying 
I can't look around me without crying again 
I took leave from work 
dropped from all my courses 
lost any interest in anything I was aiming for 
after a month my father was talking about Haj and his friends 
it just hit me then 
what if I die too 
I want to be able to do one last thing 
I want to go to Haj 
nothing will help me now 
I need to go to Haj 
my best friend was the same 
we both decided to go to Haj 
at that time things started to brighten 
and I had comfort at last 
at the masjid 
at the very top 
I was looking at Kaaba and the other 4 million who were there to perform Haj 
I remembered him right there 
our father 
I thought of all those people who loved him 
there were 4 million back then 
the day of Eid 
4 million or more 
all praying to God 
there were millions praying for Zayed too 
and I cried there too .. only I was happy 
and prayed to God that we all be gathered in heaven on the day of judgment 
Zayed .. you left .. but you are still in our hearts 
you live through your sons and daughters who will continue to do your will 
I was very happy that I decided to go to Haj 
and came back 
and completed my courses in the next 6 months 
and on my graduation day 
my father was there 
my sisters were there 
only few local graduates were there 
and the national anthem was played 
we chanted the national anthem like school children 
very loud 
everyone was staring at us 
but the very few ones didn't care and kept going on 
I felt proud 
he's there in our hearts 
he still is 
and forever will be 
and for every achievement that makes me happy 
I still wish he was still here 
what would he have said if he saw what I did 
and can't help but drift away and imagine his smile 
baba Zayed 
we loved you as a father 
and now again 
I'm determined to be the best 
coz baba Zayed 
I am your daughter 
and always wanted you to be proud of me 
and I know had you been still with us 
you will be proud of me 
and i won't settle for anything less 
but to make you proud of me 
Baba Zayed 
you are in our hearts 
الله يرحمك يا زايد 

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